me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
You Might Also Like
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.