MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me, reading some of your tweets
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.