Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You Might Also Like
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
cats when you pet them too long:
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over