They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.