I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks