Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?