Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.