Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
three things we don’t talk about
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Anime is real
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”