I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”