Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
can’t wait til they legalize outside
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass