Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.