A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS