The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?