I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
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Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.