My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!