Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
i think we should see other cousins
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien