someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
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If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
wtf is a larm clock?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I am also baked goods
Cat is stressing him out.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”