BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see