Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.