Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My wedding will be open casket.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena