The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
You Might Also Like
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.