Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
no their not
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.