Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I found your tweet-up…
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Its a hippotatomus
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.