I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Miscakes
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.