Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
seems like a niche market
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.