*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.