My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
These aren’t even hard anymore.