When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Follow me for more life hacks.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.