Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
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Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.