Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
You Might Also Like
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.