My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Interior design 👌
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.