Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Yup.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂