One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.