My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
How high do the levels go?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Ironic
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true