Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.