My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
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Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
ouch
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.