God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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I did not eat the cake…
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
me as a parent
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.