*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!