I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.