She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Best spot.. 😅
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Not all heroes wear capes.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”