Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
You Might Also Like
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
❤️🦆
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again