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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.