Food gives you energy to nap more.
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I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.