Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me