A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken