I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”