Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
yeah 😭
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
When they try to steal your moment.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”