Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me too 😆
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter