Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.