I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Living the best life.. 😊
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.